I've got to write about this...

I don't know if anyone is still following the blog.  I get a lot of page visits every day still (wow?) but it's been a really long time since I updated anything.

Well I have an update.

In September David and I undertook another IVF treatment.  We really thought long and hard about it and seeing how much Brogan loves other kids, and how much energy he has, we really wanted to have another child.  Both for ourselves, and also for Brogan... we couldn't imagine Christmas' and birthdays without a sibling to share the experience with.  That and our age... we know we won't be around as long as young parents, so we really wanted to provide a sense of family, a source of memories and closeness with someone who would be there long after we weren't.

The cycle was textbook.  I produced over 30 eggs, 28 of which were mature and 18 fertilized normally.  On September 10th, we transferred three excellent embryos and began the agonizing wait once again.  Because of the number of eggs that I produced, I was at high risk for OHSS, and sure enough, about a week past the transfer, it set in.  I was in misery!  After a flurry of tests and doctor appointments it was arranged for me to have an early ultrasound.

Now I know I was at a high risk for twins, based on the beta numbers that we had gotten early on.  My first beta at 9dp5dt was an impressive 309.  The second, two days later, was a comforting 765.  Obviously we were pregnant and off on another whirlwind adventure.... but now it's turned into a whole new book.

At the ultrasound, performed at just a day over my 5th week of pregnancy, I immediately spotted two gestational sacs on the screen.  I know they were sacs because I've actually read websites on how to read ultrasounds.  Training websites - for people learning to read ultrasounds.  Only I wasn't interested in all the kidneys and livers and other useless gut things... I was ONLY interested in what early ultrasounds showed.  Hence - I knew I was looking at two sacs.

That, and the tech told me after I asked.  But I digress.

Okay - I was prepared for the possibility of twins.  It was made well aware to me on the day of our transfer when the embryologist refused to transfer the four we are legally allowed to.  She was pushing hard for only two embryos... but I pushed for that third.

So, after going over other areas (we were really looking for OHSS information) the wand passed over my uterus again and I was shocked to see what I thought was a THIRD gestational sac.  I asked the tech and again, she confirmed it.  She did say it was smaller and not 'as promising' as the first two, but fack.... all three embryos implanted and have started to grow.

Our chances of triplets just skyrocketed - even though, to be honest, they are still not that high.  Anything can happen.  They might not be viable.... they might... well... anything can happen.

We get another ultrasound on October 12th.  We will see heartbeats... or heartbeat... or please something... at that time.... Until then.  I just had to write about this.

Oh Wow. Time is so stinkin' precious!

I used to cling to this blog.  It was my diary that answered.  Letting my emotions flow out through my fingers and out into the world.  Like butterflies.  Or bees.  Or ugly bats.  Depending on what emotions they were, I suppose.

Okay.  Little update.  I feel like I'm drowning.  I am so in love with Brogan it's pathetic, and he's so happy and normal it's also pathetic.  I'm lucky and he's amazing and yet my life is so busy I have zero, zero time to myself.  Which isn't surprising because it's been like that since I was like, sixteen years old.

Honestly, I have worked full time for LITERALLY 29 years already, and I am only 40 years old.  I went to work 8 hour shifts all week at my parent's restaurant when I was 11.  Yes, I did.  I was homeschooled and we all worked when we were old enough.  Sigh.  I can't defend it.... I think it was a horrible way to start a life, to be honest, and although it taught me a lot of important crap, like how to be a hard worker, and how to be great with people and how to bullshit my way to anything, it also taught me that my only value to the world is how much I can work.

So I do.  I work.  And work and work and work.  And when I am not working I am being a fabulous mommy to a beautiful little boy.  Which means I sleep about four hours a night and spend the rest of the time cooing, singing, tucking, wiping, dressing and researching my precious little boy.  When I'm not running what is becoming a medium sized business (can't stay it's that small with nine full time employees and the amount of work we do, can we?) ... can we?

Sigh.  Becoming a rant / whine when it should be an update.  Oh wait... I hear stirrings of Brogan behind me in the bedroom... it's 9:40 and I am so tired I can hardly think and most likely the next eight hours will be spent watching over, nursing, and calming my boy.  I wish sleep were not essential to existing, because there is too much to do to really waste time doing it!

Week Nine

Yeah. Well.  Weeks 1 through 8 really flew by in a stuck-in-peanut butter, speeding-bullet kind of way.  It's been a crawling blur.  That's what it feels like when you average four hours of sleep, ten hours of having your breasts chewed on, six hours of staring in amazement at the tiny creature you pushed out of your ya-hoo and four hours of trying to appear to have some sort of career.

Brogan is a wonderful baby.  He doesn't cry unless he's peed or pooped and wants a fresh canvas to cradle his arse, or he's hungry, or he needs to relieve a few gas bubbles from one end or the other (depends on which you hold up higher).  He hasn't had a bit of diaper rash, sleeps reasonably through most of the night, and other than a lovely rash across his cheeks that comes (when we're leaving the house and I want to show off my adorable baby) and goes (when we're alone at home and nobody is there to comment on his perfectly smooth cheeks).

I'm head over heels in love with him, of course.  I haven't had a lot of time for anything else in life up until now.  Like.. makeup or showering at a reasonable time, or going to work, or shaving my legs.  I guess my reasoning was that if I don't have time to shave my legs I sure as hell don't have time to write in a blog.

I shaved my legs yesterday.  I even pulled one out from under the sheets to show my husband; to prove that I had actually SHAVED my legs.  He was fashionably impressed, then we both went to sleep with two and a half men playing on the television and Brogan snoring in his bassinet beside the bed.  That's us... the horribly ordinary Canadian married couple.... (I love being horribly ordinary after a life of being anything but that).

I digress.

Okay... some cool things about my baby.

1.  He has red hair.  Yep.  It's gloriously red with a beautiful little bald patch in the back from his wide eyed head tossing, usually when he wakes up somewhere that he did NOT to go to sleep in.

2.  Brogan snores.  Quite loudly, actually.  It's really odd to look at the cherub-like face and hearing logger-like snores.

3.  He doesn't coo very often... but he does growl.  Touch him when he's wanting some space and he scrunches up his face and growls.  Sometimes he does it just to communicate and will copy you if you start it first.  This week has brought more cooing and less growling... something I am both happy about and kind of sad.  I wanted to see his baby growls develop into toddler growls....

4.  He's working on head control, and getting better at it.   He's not freaking everyone out by being a human bobble head every time a hand isn't holding up his adorable red-headed noggin.  Yesterday he had tummy time (aka baby boot camp) and watched CSI Miami for a full three minutes with his head up in the air.  Ok, I get it.  Just have to have all those freaky colors on the screen in order for him to be interested.

Okay.. I'm exhausted now!  Got to get to bed so I can wake up in a few hours and nurse the little bundle of joy!  I mean that... he IS a little bundle of joy - hasn't been one minute of one day that I haven't felt blessed and honored to take care of him...

:)

Brogan's Birth

Wow... how to start... when to start...

The week before Brogan was born I began having small signs that things were happening, and I had a lot of false labour going on. 

On July 3rd, Sunday, I was home all day, helping out with some of the lighter reno chores... putting together Ikea shelving, directing as much as I could, and generally getting in the way more than anything.

My in-laws were also there helping out, and I found myself telling my father in law to come and sit on the front porch and take a break (he was looking tired!). He kind of ignored me for the most part and pretty soon I just announced that I had had enough and was going to sit on the deck. 

I knew I had been having contractions off and on, but when I was sitting on the deck, I noticed they had been coming pretty regular again and decided to start timing them. It was almost exactly 3 o'clock in the afternoon. 

By 4 o'clock I'd had four 40 second contractions ten minutes apart, and then they suddenly dropped to six and seven minutes apart and still 40 seconds long. Around 4:30, David went out to get groceries for supper ( I was STARVING) and I climbed into the tub and called my mom. By the time he got home, and I got out of the tub, the contractions were five minutes apart and still at least 40 seconds long.

Now it gets kind of funny... I insisted that David find the one and only summer pregnancy dress I own because I did NOT want have pants on... and while getting dressed, thought David was making dinner (chicken spinach salad...mmm.... (did I mention how hungry I was?). I was still on the phone with my mom and timing the contractions, which were between four and three minutes long... sometimes going up to five. I couldn't talk through them very well, but they peaked pretty fast and were not getting stronger with each one, instead, every once in a while I'd barely count one as a contraction because it wasn't very strong. I did have more bloody show throughout the day, but nothing really alarming. 

I actually thought it was false labour because I've always thought pregnant woman had very little interest in eating when they were in labour.... anyhow... I came out expecting food and instead, David was painting the kitchen???? I wasn't upset with him, but rather supportive because I saw how anxious he was... and of course, I still didn't think I was in labour although I wasn't sure at this point. 

So, while David put the last coat of paint on the kitchen, much to my amusement, I stood at the table in the middle of our half-put-together kitchen making salads, and concentrating through a contraction every three minutes. 

Before we sat down to eat, I called L&D to ask if they thought I should come in to have the baby checked even though he was moving around nicely. They said with contractions that close I should could come in and they would assess me, but it was my decision as long as I wasn't bleeding and there was no membrane rupture. We decided to eat dinner and go in afterwards. 

David put in a movie that we'd wanted to see (The King's Speech) and as we were sitting down on the couch, I felt a 'pop' inside, like a knuckle popping. 

"Something popped!" I said, unsure of what to do..

"What popped?" David asked, looking around.

As my water started leaking out, I squealed "I did! My water broke!" And stood up, instantly aware that I was gushing hot fluid all over the new hardwood floors. David ran for towels as I stood there, giggling at it all, and stripping my dress and underwear off. I could not believe that my water had actually broke, and was astounded at how much there was and how little there was I could do about it. 

After changing into sweats and grabbing our bags, we headed to the hospital. I was still having pains, and at one point there was one so strong that I let out a small scream and urged David to go through a stop light. I suspect that's when the baby engaged his head. 

We got to the hospital and were checked in quickly to a labour room. Things were happening very quickly at this point, and I was still asking if they could just check me and let me go home to finish the first part of labour! Looking back, I can see how rather insane this idea was, but I really dreaded the idea of spending hours and hours in a sterile room. And besides... I was still hungry. 

I was dilated only 3 cm and about 80% effacement, so I knew there was a LOT of labour to go through (or so I thought). At 7 pm I was officially in a L&D room, with David's parents, my mom, and his sister in the room. Sigh. The crazy people all showed up, nearly beating us to the hospital. We finally convinced them it was going to be a long night and to go home, we would call them when I was 8 cm and they could all come back for the delivery. Disappointed in my lack of belief that I would be delivering before their 9 o'clock bedtime, they finally agreed to go home, watch their reality TV shows and come back if and when we were ready to really do something exciting. They agreed to stop by the house and bring us our chicken spinach salad first, though.

As David and I munched happily on our salads, and sipped Pepsi between contractions, my kids and their girlfriends showed up. I was in MUCH brighter spirits to see them and convinced David to go home, take a shower and pick up a couple things we'd forgotten. My boys were awesome. They made me giggle through a couple of contractions by MAKING me wriggle my toes and 'not think about the fear', just like when they were little and going to the dentist. 

"C'mon, Mom", Jerry teased me.... "You know you can't tense up if you wriggle your toes!" 

They even held my hand and urged me to focus during a couple of the harder pains. I was surprised and unbelievably reassured with them in the room while David was gone. 

Finally, it was just David and I together... about 11:30 pm, with the kids also making us promise to call them once "things got going".

The next few hours spent with David were some of the most intimate and spiritual memories I have ever shared with another human being. We turned the lights off, we joked, we talked about all that we had gone through to get where we were. We were excited, nervous and thankful for the experience. 

We attempted to watch the rest of our movie on the Mac laptop until the noise became annoying when I was having contractions and we could not find the mute button in the darkened room. We tried different positions for pain relief (standing was the WORST - I thought my legs were going to fall off and ended up *almost* in tears!). I had taken a morphine/gravol shot after eating and was offered the laughing gas, which by this time I was learning to use and found it very effective at taking the edge off the worst of the pain.

Our nurse was amazing at communication and pain management. She was the only person we saw during the labour stage and I am so thankful she was there for us. She often held my hand and offered soft words of encouragement when David could think of nothing to say at that moment. 

By 2:15 am the nurse said I was dilated to 6 cm and the pains were pretty much one on top of the other. I was meditating through them as calmly as I could but we all agreed that things were going quickly and that family and the doctor should be called in because we felt we would deliver within the next hour or so. Phone calls were made and the room was prepped for delivery.... I continued to doze for a moment or two between contractions and then work through them one at a time as they rolled across me.

As the baby moved lower and lower, we noticed an alarming drop in heart rate with the contractions. I was turned onto one side to ease the pressure on the cord as he was being gently squeezed into the birth canal. As long as I stayed on my side, the heart rate was acceptable, but still dipped terribly low at the peak of the contractions. 

Soon the room filled up with family, hair askew atop excited, but sleepy faces, and a rather drowsy, slightly irritated doctor was on the scene. He checked me and announced that I was "only 6 cm dilated and had a lot of work to do". 

I was upset and surprised that I was still only at 6 cm! It was nearly 3 am and the pains were getting unbearable. He ordered a final shot of pain killers and left for the doctor's lounge to sleep until I was ready to deliver. My nurse, who was so in tune with me and so sure that I was going to deliver soon, was unsure about what to do, we could tell, but left to get the medication.

As the next contraction hit my body, I told her to "Come back, please! He's coming!"

There were no stirrups, the bed was not converted into the delivery mode, and there was no doctor anywhere, just myself, David the nurse, and six family members all staring silently with a look of worried wonder on their faces. 

As the pain built, I found myself curled into David, who stood beside me, urging me to not push, to breath, that it wasn't time yet.... I tried in vain to pant and hold back the pushing, but I could feel the baby's body moving through me, quietly but quickly.

I looked up into his eyes and issued a plea for him to "Look! Look or you'll miss it!"

He looked down and the baby's head was already out, and with another mighty surge, our son slipped quickly out of my body and rolled up into a ball on the table.... like a kitten. It was that fast. The doctor was walking in when it happened.... and collected the baby, placing him onto my chest.

I looked at Brogan... and issued another plea, "He's not breathing. You need to work on him. Please, he's turning blue too quickly!"

The doctor asked if we wanted to cut the cord and I insisted, "No! Just do it and get him breathing!"

Soon the baby was whisked away to the other side of the room where the doctor and a NICU nurse began reviving him.... It took a minute and twenty seconds. I was still drugged and in shock that everything had happened so fast, and not fully appreciating how dire things could be. 

Across the room, I urged, "C'mon baby boy, breath, baby.... Brogan...."

Everyone else was silent, eyes glued to the baby. Everyone said that David's face was completely blank. His eyes were expressionless as he stared across the room at his son being worked on, still blue and unresponsive.

When the baby yet out a healthy scream, it seemed everyone in the room came back to life. Soon, he was placed onto my chest, quickly turning a beautiful shade of life-like-pink, and quickly latched onto a waiting breast, where he began nursing like a champ.

There were no stitches, no labour complications, and other than the scare, which they say was a combination of the cord being compressed and the speedy delivery, it was a perfect labour and exceptional delivery. 

 

THE BEGINNING.

I'm a Horrible Blogger...But a GREAT Mom!

We had our baby..... it was.. perfect!  He is perfect!  I'll post everything soon... life has been moving at a snail's pace and but it's been a whirlwind at the same time.

His name is Brogan John Wilson.  I don't think many people really are keen on his name, but we love it and all who know him can't think of him as anyone else.  It means 'sturdy' and 'stubborn' and 'strong'... it's an Irish word also for a 'sturdy shoe'!  haha ah well.. it's a very masculine, strong name and it's unusual without being hippy.  So to name our son after a shoe is okay, but to name him after the Vancouver tattoo artist that my bestest girlfriend got her amazing tattoo from when I was having Brogan put back into my uterus is too hippy?  Sigh.  I love loving a masculine northern man.  ;)  BTW the tattoo's artist name was Coen.  Cool, too, huh?  I like Brogan better - don't tell Dave!

He has golden red hair.  I love that the most... it's gorgeous hair!  I know there are people out there who think 'ginger' kids are ugly, but they can go fly a kite off a cliff as far as I'm concerned.  For every ignorant person out there we have 50 who exclaim they love his hair colour and think he's GORGEOUS.  In fact, his hair is the first thing people complement him on.  I am astounded at how ignorant some people are with this whole redheaded thing.  Some of the most beautiful people in the world have red hair.   I am rather thankful that he tends to have dark skin, because although I love being a redhead myself, I don't like having pale skin... too much of a pain in the ass when it comes to sunshine - or tanning of any kind.

Here's our amazingly perfect, wonderful baby boy.  We are SO in love.

Brogan John Wilson.... July 4th 2:55am
7lbs 5 oz 20.5"
Fell into our arms and hearts in the middle of a magical night.

Home Stretch!

I bought the Baby Bullet.  I made fun of it when it first went on television... but the more I watched the commercial the more I *had* to have it!  I pretty much detest processed food and can't see myself actually buying processed, canned baby food of any kind.  So it made sense.  I'm not a 'gadget' kind of girl, either, but can't justify using my awesome huge blender to make a tiny bit of baby food.  So yeah.. we got it at Canadian Tire today and it made me happy.

I haven't been happy every day lately.  I've been mixed up and pissed off at some things going on in my life and what's worse is that I don't know how right I am to feel that way.  If I'm not sure if what I am feeling is justified but it sure feels like it.  I'm not sure if some of what I'm feeling isn't a result of the pressure I'm under lately with work being so busy, the house being worked on and the pregnancy being officially super uncomfortable.  I don't know.  I just know it hurts and I'm tired of hurting about this particular thing.  Really tired of it.  I just want to walk away from it all and close the door on it.

I'm doing okay as long as I can manage to get some sleep.  Getting sleep means successfully sleeping in a semi-sitting up position throughout the night and not waking up with a mouthful of stomach content gagging me and burning my throat.  It's been like this since 26 weeks, so that's the last 10 weeks or so.

Walking is difficult.  The pain in my cervix becomes pretty sharp after a short distance and I soon find myself looking for places to sit down and rest.  I also get bouts of extreme exhaustion.  Bending over has pretty much become a thing of the past and the only way I can reach my feet is to prop my ass up against a wall and spread my legs so that I can somehow reach down to one foot at a time.  That's a great description of how I shaved my legs last week!

I know I'm on the homestretch.  I know it's just a matter of time now, and I know that I can do this and it's not nearly the hardest thing I've ever done.  It's just that this is the hardest thing I'm doing right now.  I'm in love with the baby and the movements and the hiccups and everything he's meaning to me.  Don't think for a moment that I regret a moment of this, that I am sorry we are doing it, or that I would change one twinge, one lousy night's sleep or one moment of pain.  It's just that these discomforts are real, and I want to record and acknowledge them.

Week Thirty Six: Baby may drop into the birth canal
You are 36 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 34 weeks) The baby is about 19 inches (48 cm) long. Weight is around 6 pounds (2.7 kg). The baby's body is becoming chubby as fat layers build. Between now and birth they may gain about an ounce (30g) a day You may feel contractions of the womb, called Braxton Hicks contractions. While it says that your baby weighs six and a half pounds this week and measures 19 inches long, this is only an estimate. In general, babies are gaining half a pound (225 grams) per week now. Baby continues gaining weight as fat deposits and is forming creases in the neck and wrists. You may feel contractions of the womb, called Braxton Hicks contractions, which can be used to perform and practice breathing exercises. You may be visiting your caregiver weekly up until the birth. Regular internal exams may begin, to see if your cervix has softened, thinned, dilated or if your baby's head is dropping into the pelvis. Any of these could be signs of impending labor but there are no guarantees and you could be waiting for weeks yet. Your baby is almost ready, a pair of kidneys and the liver has begun processing some waste products, the only organ still to mature is the lungs. This week your baby may drop into the birth canal, this is called 'lightening' or 'dropping'. If this is not your first baby, this 'lightening' may not occur until right before labor. Your care provider may refer to it by saying that your baby is now 'engaged'. The majority of babies are now in the birth position, either head down (vertex) or butt down (breech), most will maintain this position until birth. Any movements that they make are more likely to be rolls from side to side.You may notice when this happens because it will suddenly become much easier for you to breathe. While breathing becomes easier, walking may be the exact opposite. If your baby has dropped you may find yourself visiting the bathroom much more often as baby is resting right on top of your bladder again. Keep talking - by now he or she can recognize you voice, and may respond to any loud noises with a swift kick out. The average twin birth occurs between 36 and 37 weeks and the babies weigh an average of 5 pounds apiece. A baby's average size is now 18.5 inches (47 cm) and 6 pounds (2700 g).

Rants and Raves

First the rave.  I guess I consider raving something that's positive because I'm going to start this off with positive thoughts and information.

First positive.  My husband.  My soldier.  My hero.  And this isn't just because he is going above anything I expected a man who is so freakishly masculine to do.  It's because he does it with grace, love and gratitude.  I mean, he treats me like a princess even when I am acting like a wicked witch.  That doesn't happen often but it has a couple of times and he takes it all in stride.

He's my hero because he has always treated me like this.  The pregnancy has magnified his protectiveness of me, and he often tells me that he looks at me in complete awe, but even before I managed to sprout and grow his child, he's loved me so real it's simply mind blowing for someone who was so messed up in my youth.

It's a new thing for him to look after someone.  He's a manly man, never really been around kids, and his previous relationships seemed to be some pretty tough and independent women who were perfectly happy to look after themselves and expected their men to do the same.  Me... I'm a nurturer from the heart and love to be pampered in return.  It's taken a while... I admit it... but this morning when putting on my socks and shoes was taking me forever and I was in pain from trying to reach my feet... and he sat and helped me... well it made me realize two things.  One, I am getting pretty freaking huge; and two, I am pretty freaking lucky to have this man in my life.

He makes me dinner.  He does the laundry.  He picks up things for me and he helps me up when I'm struggling to get my balance.  I love him for who he is, and I love how I feel because he loves me.

Okay... can I rant now?

I'm getting big!!!!!   Went to the doctor yesterday and the baby has dropped.. his head is down but not engaged, and his body is laying on the right side of my body.  His butt is this hard bulge that somehow exceeds the boundary of my ribs.  I push it back into place throughout the day, and he pushes it right back out.

I can breathe easier now since he's lowered, and I am not sucking back gulps of disgusting, evil, chalky heartburn gunk throughout the day.  The first time I tried it I spewed it all over myself it was so gross.  I gagged and had to force myself to sip it between sips of water just to get some of the vile stuff in me.  I'm getting a lot better with it now, but only take it once a day or so, instead of every three hours.

I'm also sleeping better but the baby refuses to allow me to sleep on my left side.  He freaks right out.  Kicking and pushing and wiggling with all he's got if I dare turn onto my left side.  It's very cute that he sleeps all night (unless I flip to my left side) and wakes up in the morning when I start to talk to David.  Let's hope the baby keeps this schedule... LOL

My entire pelvic region aches most of the day.  I'm not sure why, but all my research says it's normal.  The muscles relaxing, preparing to release a giant baby in a few weeks.  It's nice that my body is doing it's job, but it sure feels like crap.

Now don't think for a moment that I am regretting this pregnancy.  I would have it no other way and most of the time I am regarding myself in complete awe that I am able to experience this.  Watching and feeling my body open and accommodate a separate being growing within itself... I would not trade this for the world.

I was pregnant twice before.  But as all things that happened as a young girl, the experience has faded and warped itself in my mind and only moments are clear and memorable to me.  I remember the births clearly, but the pregnancies are vague glimpses of a time over twenty years ago.  So this all seems exceptionally bright to me - as clear and crisp as the air, just before it snows in the fall.

8 Months and Counting Down

Okay.  I suck at blogging when things are going well.   Other than the heartburn (constant for the past two months), the peeing myself every time I sneeze or cough, and the rather strong Braxon Hicks contractions I am just peachy!

The baby seems to be exceptionally strong and has been for a very long time, according to ultrasound techs and my doctor.   It is slightly more than very uncomfortable when he bunches up and then pushes with all his might against my already strained and pulled stomach muscles.  For two hours.  Straight.  And I feel the kicks all over somehow.  I wonder if I'm giving birth to an octopus.  How he kicks under my right rib and then along my left hip is kind of a mystery, unless he's kicking by his head and then tucking his feet under his bum to kick again.

I have to admit that even though the movements are close to painful and distracting, even to the point of near annoyance at times, I would not trade them for the world.  I feel tremendously full, wrapped around him, as if my body has trapped him deeply inside with no way out.  At least not yet.

I've found it easier to breathe lately, and it doesn't hurt so much to walk.  I never realized how important drinking water is when you're pregnant.  I've been threatened with premature labour twice because of dehydration.  So I drink a couple more glasses of water each day.  I try to walk a little more than I want to, and I put in eight hour days instead of ten hour ones.  The doctor keeps threatening me with bed rest, but each passing week makes a possible early delivery a lot less risky, and the doctor a lot less grouchy.

I haven't gained a lot of weight.  About 20 lbs in total.  I had set myself a goal of 35 and there's no way I am going to gain more weight at this point besides that which the baby puts on, so I'm rather thrilled about that.  Hopefully I'll only have a few pounds to get rid of this summer.

Renos are beginning to take shape of rebuilding the house instead of tearing it apart.  We literally had nothing but hanging wires, exposed rafters and open framing along the entire first floor of the house.  Living in our downstairs den has been a challenge but my amazing husband put a lot of work and effort into making it clean and functional.  It's still... a challenge.  My kitchen is a tarped in section on our back deck - water is available down at the far end of the house from a rough pipe going to my bathtub!  It all works, but after nearly seven weeks I am starting to really look forward to my home being livable again.

The other bit of news is that David's new employers have asked him to report to work a little early.  Beginning of June early.  It's awesome that he found work without even looking, but a little difficult to digest that he will be seven hours away during my last month of pregnancy.  I know it's horrible to consider but we are going to inquire with our doctor about a possible scheduled induction so David can be here for sure.  I know there are some risks (mostly that labor will not progress and a C-Section will be needed).  However, we know the exact time of conception so there's no issue with a premature delivery and we know baby is super strong and healthy.  I've been induced before with no issues.  We'll know more on Wednesday when we get our 34 week check up.

Yoga and Renovations

It's official.  The entire top floor of my house is totally demolished.  Nothing but bare 2x4s and plywood.  Except for one room right in the middle that has been left untouched.  It contains something that gives me deep, intense pleasure on a nightly basis.  It contains my bathtub.

Throughout my entire adult life, a warm bath has been essential to my mental health.  A bruised heart would mean taking two and sometimes even three hot baths a day... not feeling well... I'll sink myself into a swirling well of aromatherapy and let whatever pain medications I've ingested to start to work.  My tub is where I find 30 minutes a day to visit the characters in the novels I'm reading, (currently the Mayfair Witches series again) and to reflect on the day behind me and plan the day ahead.


So the guys, being my husband and youngest son, have been patient and accommodating by leaving my horribly outdated, cracked tub alone.  I'm pregnant!  I need my bath!  It's the one time of the day when I am sure to not feel some kind of pressure or pain or the gross effects of gravity on my swollen midsection.

Okay.  David would freak if I were suggesting this was actually what our current tub looks like.  But the drama queen that I am, well, I wanted to make a point.  Any container that holds hot water and me at the same time is all I really need to qualify as a 'bath'.  I'm not fussy.  DISCLAIMER:  This is not our actual bathtub.  Although.  it's not far off...

I know it's going to go soon, though.  I will be weeks without the daily ritual that I so intently focus on when my work day is coming to a close!  The guys just can't keep working around that outdated, ugly little room with the peeling floor and crooked vanity.  It has to go.  To the dump.  Everything in it.  Sigh.

And... this is a lot closer to what our new en suite will look like.  Not *quite* the same, but it's the general idea.  Will my tub time be more relaxing, the books I read more interesting, or my armpits any cleaner as a result of this setting.  I vote YES!  Please note:  I am nearly 40 years old and this is the first time in my life I'll have had a 'nice' place to live.  I'm not bragging about my bathtub, I'm in awe of it! 

I am somewhat mollified by the fact that my *new* tub will be a deep, luxurious (and un-cracked) well of peace and tranquility.  It's going into a large en suite separated from the main bedroom by a wall of built in closets.  I will have my own dressing room complete with makeup table.  A lovely window will allow me to gaze at the snow, or the northern lights, or the stars or the summer leaves as the water massages my worry away.  I will have a sound system built in so I don't have to drag my iPhone into the bathroom if I want music.

So David and I have moved into the basement den.  He pretty much moved our bedroom and set it up exactly as the way it was.  I've never seen another person take someone else's comfort into such consideration.  We laughed at us living in a 'basement suite' at our age, and especially while being pregnant.  We're both a little apprehensive about the possibility of the baby (Brogan) coming early, but honestly, all he needs is a boob and a basket to be comfy for the first few weeks of life.

No, we didn't do this pose yet,
but it looks interesting, considering
how all the women are leaking things
we never knew we could leak, and
the class *is* a little crowded.

Oh, and this morning, I found time to take my first pre-natal yoga class.  Besides the room being about 10 degrees above comfort level, it was fun and interesting.  Half of the poses made me either feel the need to pee or pass gas, which made me nervous because there were about four women too many in the room and we were about 12 inches from face to fanny most of the time.  I wasn't alone in my experience, other women felt the same way!  I did manage to find a friendly face, another cheerful, intelligent woman whom I connected with as a result of this blog.  We were happy to see one another and went for a great lunch together afterwards where we got to talk about nothing but babies, babies, babies!  It's great to know someone else is as nervous and excited as I am.  I'm very much looking forward to next week's session.

Bad Blogger!!

Our first day in Mexico - on Coco beach in Playa Del Carmen.

Feeling HUGE but happy... at least David makes me feel little!  26 weeks pregnant here...

 Life has been super busy....

We just got back from an amazing vacation in Mexico, David is home for the entire spring and work has been super busy.  It's all wonderful and I'm doing great.

The pregnancy is going perfect.  All tests are excellent, I have nothing at all making me miserable except a good case of acid reflux that is controlled by meds at night.

One of the most awesome memories in Mexico was swimming.  The baby seemed to LOVE it when I was in the water.  He must have felt weightless and comfy with the muted sound and smoothness of me swimming.  Getting in and out of the water was sometimes challenging as we snorkelled some of the natural cenotes... there were a few times when I felt super fat and awkward, but for the most part, I was a good trooper and kept up for the most part with everyone.

I ran out of my acid reflux medication for the last three nights and that was the worst part for me.  I woke up a couple times a night gagging and throwing up the most vile crap.  Dry heaving and the horrible taste is not a way to enjoy a night, and it was hell getting back to sleep afterwards.

Good news.... not even a tiny bit of swelling, which actually surprised me with all the travel and sitting.  I did manage to eat really healthy and drink tons of water, so I guess that is good advice after all!

On our way home from Edmonton David and I stopped at Babies R Us and purchased our baby essentials!  It was a great experience.  For the first time I didn't feel like a hopeful impostor.  Baby boy squirmed and booted his encouragement and reminder that there is someone who will need a few of his own things when he moves in with us.

We were thrilled to find the original crib we wanted on sale and purchased it for $249 ($400 off).  Then we moved onto the car seats.  Ugh.  Too confusing.  Things have changed a lot since my boys were born.  We finally settled on an infant to toddler model.  We were given an almost new infant seat that is clean and in excellent condition.  We'll use whichever one we like the most, and we do have more than one vehicle so an extra one might come in handy.

A mid-sized playpen for the first few months in our room seemed like a great decision.  We'll use it in my work nursery when I go back, so it seems like a good choice..... purchased a Fisher Price swing and a great quality breast pump and Tommee Tippee  bottle system.

The truth is there are so many products out there that it's impossible to know what is going to be best until we try it.  I just know that instinct told me to get going and get some of the essentials.  I might be too big and tired and busy to make another trip back to Edmonton and Fort St John does not have the best choices when it comes to shopping.

Photo Update...

A real post

Because I still feel weird posting here after family members were offended... and what I wrote absolutely have been offensive, but I use this to write offensive, honest and raw things.  It's why people read it.  The PC writing is boring and might as well be posted in a cute greeting card.

Ah well.  It's been a long few months and not many family members are really interacting with me at any rate.  Which freaks me out but is refreshingly easier on my brain and heart to be honest.  It freaks me out because I think I am truly and honestly growing apart from them, and I miss what I had built up what I thought our relationships could be like.  It's easier on me because in reality, our relationships were nothing even close to what I wanted them to be, and I was either hurting them or offending them or being hurt and offended.  And I mean, this was not intentional on either side - just people who are so freakishly different that there's no way to have a functional relationship even if there is that weighty 'family' label pasted on our foreheads.

I am of an age and time in my life where I am who I am and I love it.  I am not of a mind to apologize for my principals, morals or beliefs.  These are the things who brought me where I am today.  The things that attracted all the wonderful, strong women-sisters in my life, the things that helped me get through the toughest times when I had to reach into myself to survive, the things that brought my amazingly handsome and strong husband to fall deeply in love with me.  These traits are what I rely on to help me make business decisions, running my company with confidence, skill and a deep commitment to everyone who comes into contact with it.  I'm not going to apologize for who I have fought to become and whom so many wonderful friends and real family love me for being.

So.

Here we are.

Me.  Happy.  Being Me.

Not Pretending.  Not Trying To Fit In.

Where I Don't Even Like Being.

Okay, some pregnancy stuff now.

For one, I am falling head over heels with this baby.  I love him being with me every second of every day.  I don't feel alone even when I am.  I take long hot showers in the mornings with my music blasting away on the counter and I 'dance the baby' while all the soap and water swirls around me.  I'm a pretty busy person during the day so stolen moments like this seem sacred to me - when I actually just let myself fall into the thought of this tiny person nestled inside me.  

I've moved from feeling fat and awkward to full and sexual.  I know I don't have a firm, young body, but this body is loved and accepted by myself, my husband and everyone who knows me.  It's a perfect shell for me, and is doing a spectacular job of hosting this very special little soul.

Oh, and I've also started 'walking the baby'.  A good friend of mind walks on an indoor track every morning and I've begun to join her three times a week.  Getting up out of my amazingly comfortable bed at 6:30 am on a exceptionally freaking cold morning is really dreadful to say the least... but to get to the track, pull my fat butt up three flights of stairs and then start in on my hour long walk feels like a million dollars once the process is actually happening.

I've gained about 12 lbs so far and would like to only gain 15 more in total.  Since baby has about 7 to go, and water, blood and placenta will count for at least another 5, that means I'll hopefully end up just 15 lbs heavier than when I got pregnant.  Excellent goal but I'll need to work at it over the next few months.  Thank gawd warmer weather is happening soon.  It will make getting out of the house a lot more appealing.

Okay.  It's late and I'm exhausted.  Night from a real person saying real crap without pulling the punches.

Heading into 6th Month - 23rd Week!!

Month 6: May feel baby hiccup

Baby This month continues to be a period of rapid growth. At 24 weeks, your baby can suck his thumb and you may feel baby hiccup. He will have patterns of sleep and activity which you will come to know. His skin has lost its translucent appearance, but he still has not laid down any stores of fat and is therefore quite thin. Your baby's skin is wrinkled and red. It is covered with lanugo (fine, soft hair) and vernix (a substance consisting of oil, sloughed skin cells and lanugo). Real hair and toenails are beginning to grow. Your baby's brain is developing rapidly. Fatty sheaths which transmit electrical impulses along nerves are forming. Meconium, your baby's first stool, is developing. A special type of fat (brown fat) that keeps your baby warm at birth is forming. Baby girls will develop eggs in their ovaries during this month. The baby's bones are becoming solid. Your baby is almost fully formed and looks like a miniature human. However, because the lungs are not well developed and the baby is still very small, a baby cannot usually live outside the uterus at this stage without highly specialized care. By the end of the sixth month, your baby will be around 11 to 14 inches (28 to 35 centimeters) long and will weigh about 1 to 1.6 pounds (500 to 750 grams). Mother You are now visibly pregnant. You will gain weight around this time, and you may feel overheated and sweaty as your blood supply increases. Your face may look flushed as well. Your heart and lungs are working 50% harder than normal. You may have some pain in your ribcage as the baby begins to press upwards. Shortness of breath may follow for the same reason. As your pregnancy progresses, it is important to maintain correct posture and protect your feet and joints. Wear comfortable shoes and clothing, rest with your feet up, and continue your antenatal exercises. Week Twenty Three: Sense of balance develops    You are 23 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 21 weeks) He or she measures over 28cm and weighs up to 550 grams. The baby is over 11 inches tall, weighs about a pound. The eyebrows are visible. The child can successfully suck. Bones located in the middle ear harden. Your baby does a regular 'workout' inside your womb. He or she turns from side to side and head over heels. Thanks to a fully developed inner ear, which controls balance, your baby may have a sense of whether he or she is upside-down or right side up in the womb. Skin pigment is now forming. The fetus is now proportioned like a newborn except it is a thinner version of a newborn baby since its baby fat has not developed much yet. The pancreas, essential in the production of hormones, is developing steadily. Baby has begun producing insulin, important for the breakdown of sugars. If born now, your baby would have a 20% chance of survival, the odds going up with each passing day. By this week, your baby weighs a little over 1 pound (500g). Its crown to heel length is 11 inches (28cm).

Week 22 What's Happening!!?

	I've finished 21 weeks and starting my 22nd week in this photo.  Can't deny that I'm pregnant anymore! Week Twenty Two: Taste buds develop
	You are 22 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 20 weeks)The fetus reacts to loud sounds. Baby starts having a regular sleeping and waking rhythm. The mother's movements can wake her baby. Taste buds are forming on your baby's tongue. The baby is 28cm long (crown to heel) and weighs over 450 grams. The weekly weight gain has increased to around 70 grams. Your baby is about 11 inches long and weighs in at about 1 pound. The eyebrows and eyelids are fully developed, and the fingernails cover the fingertips. Sounds from a conversation are loud enough to be heard by the fetus in the uterus. If you talk, read, or sing to your baby, it's reasonable to expect him or her to be able to hear you. By this week, your waistline is definitely gone. The top of your uterus is now about 1 inch (3cm) above your bellybutton. Your enlarging abdomen is not too large and doesn't get in your way much. You're still able to bend over and to sit comfortably. Walking shouldn't be an effort. Your friends and relatives can tell you are pregnant. It would be hard to hide your condition. The baby is about 11 inches (28cm) long (crown to heel) and weighs in at about 1 pound (450g).

Deliciously Boring

That's what this pregnancy is.  Nothing to note.  Just a bulging waistline and excited parents.  Just like about a hundred thousand other pregnancies going on around the world right now.

I've got so much energy back it's hard to process how freaking tired I was the first few months.  My gawd. I now come home from a regular day at work and still have enough energy to cook, tidy the kitchen, put away the food and even bathe.  Wow.

I'm having some mild difficulty sleeping at night - the weight of the tummy is pulling at me and I'm very conscious to lay on my left side whenever I can.  I need a thin pillow to put under my tummy or I find my back hurts to the point of waking me up.

I find the bellybelt is a wonderful little tool for me.  I can still wear my favorite jeans without them falling down.  A long shirt is in order, and sometimes using a belly band is best if wearing a snug top, but otherwise, I love this product!

I'm also struggling with clothes.  It seems my best bet are my jeans, with the above bellybelt product (can be found with an easy online search).  If I wear big, loose tops, I look fat.  If I wear snug tops it's a lot better, but because I have some excess fat along with my baby bulge, if my pants don't fit just right, I get some extra bulges that I honestly DESPISE.  Not good for a woman who used to be 100lbs overweight and is pretty conscious of any bulges, especially unwarranted ones.  Ugh.

Looks like I'll be searching out some nice flowing empire waist tops to go with the jeans.

I've had some moderate heartburn at night.  This is a disgusting, foul experience that has no business being on my list of pregnancy experiences.  I can usually keep things at bay by taking a healthy tablespoon of honey at night with a half glass of milk.  All natural and seems to work well.   It starts about 10 o'clock (about now) and will keep me awake all night if left untreated.

Baby boy is kicking as we speak.  Little bumps and thumps as he stretches out his legs.  Hard to believe we are in our 20th week and halfway there!  Wow.

I miss David more than anything in the world right now.  It's difficult to be here alone even though the pregnancy is not really that exciting.  I know we'll be able to feel the baby kick on the outside soon and I want him to be here to experience that with me.  He's coming home for the 20 week ultrasound (February 21 - put off so it will co-incide with his days off), and I hope at that point he might have some more solid evidence that his son is anxious to meet his daddy.

We've gotten our trisomy results back at 1:2,900 and downs at 1:360.   Those numbers might seem high for a younger woman, but there was actually a note on the results that said these numbers were exceptionally good for my age.  Yeah.... I'm still a good breeder.

Oh and one last note... we have our babymoon all planned out!  Ten days in Mexico, on the East Coast in a beautiful penthouse condo with four bedrooms, private deck with jacuzzi and king sized beds.  Can. Not. Wait.

20 Weeks - Halfway There! What's happening?

Week Twenty: The halfway point

Congratulations! You are halfway through your pregnancy, 20 weeks marks the midpoint. Remember, pregnancy is counted as 40 weeks from the beginning of your last period if you go full term. You are 20 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 18 weeks) Baby now weighes about 11 ounces and is roughly 7 inches long. Baby is 17cm long crown to rump, and weighs about 310 grams. The baby can hear and recognize the mother's voice. The mother will probably start feeling the first fetal movements. The toenails and fingernails are growing. The growth of hair on the rest of the body has started. The skin is getting thicker. The heart can now be heard with a stethoscope. Your baby may react to loud sounds. Baby can actually hear noises outside of the womb. Familiar voices, music, and sounds that baby becomes accustomed to during their development stages often are calming after birth. This is an important time for sensory development since nerve cells serving each of the senses; taste, smell, hearing, sight, and touch are now developing into their specialized area of the brain. Your baby now weighes about 11 ounces and at roughly 7 inches long they are filling up more and more of the womb. Though still small and fragile, the baby is growing rapidly and could possibly survive if born at this stage. Note: Babies are measured from the crown (or top) of the head to the rump (or bottom) until about 20 weeks. After that, they are measured from head to heel. This is because a baby's legs are curled up against the torso during the first half of pregnancy and very hard to measure. Weight: 10.6 ounces - 300 grams Length:  (crown to rump) 6.5 inches - 16.5 cm (crown to heel) 10 inches - 25.5 cm.

19 Weeks - What's Happening...?

Week Nineteen: Genitals recognizable

You are 19 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 17 weeks) Fetus is around 6.5 inches (17cm) and 9 ounces (250gm). Your placenta continues to grow and nourish the baby. Features of your baby's heart, should be visible during an ultrasound. Your baby's genitals are distinct and recognizable. Scalp hair has sprouted and continues to grow. ≈If baby is female the uterus starts to develop, the vagina, uterus, and fallopian tubes are in place. Females have a limited supply of eggs in their lifetime. At this point your daughter will have 6 million eggs. This amount decreases to approximately one million by birth. If it's a boy, the genitals are distinct and recognizable. Even if the sex looks obvious, ultrasound operators have been known to make mistakes. Baby's legs are reaching their relative size and with the increase muscle development occurring as well, you will start feeling much more than tiny flutter kicks soon. If you have not felt movement yet, you will soon. Your baby will increase its weight by more than 15 times between now and delivery. Your baby's size is around 6.5 inches (17cm) and 9 ounces (250gm).

3D Ultrasound

And... we couldn't resist...

David and I are going to have another SON!!!

This is our baby boy.... He's still a fetus, just 16weeks 6days old, but already long, strong and beautiful!

Okay... I know he'll really appreciate this when he's 16, but I can't resist... the imagery is just so amazing.  We cried when we found out we are having a son.

A Different Kind of Blogging

It's not epic.

It's not dark, sad or very moving at all.

I am not ashamed to clearly admit that I am much more inspired by pain or heartache than by normalcy or joy.  It's often the case with someone who writes.  My writing is exceptionally self serving... it's an outlet for pain, an expression of despair, a silent cry poured out through my fingers.

And it's been months since I've needed that outlet.  There are no mind numbing episodes of bleeding, no gut wrenching cramps or abnormal ultrasounds.

There's just me, and the baby in perfect harmony.  Like it was all meant to be, all along.  I always secretly held onto the belief that our losses were only physical.  The soul of our child kept having to wait patiently for the perfect time for us to be the perfect parents that s/he needed.... for the perfect body for s/he to spend an entire lifetime gracing our world in.   This baby feels natural, and my body has wrapped itself softly around it with a sureness and comfort unlike anything I've known.

And so my need to write is numb.  Thankfully.  Instead I lay at night, my hands gently cradling my growing belly, and feel our baby exploring the world inside me.  The nudges, pokes and rippling are gentle reminders of life, becoming aware of itself and the world around it.  Energy, with a soul learning about its new earth bound body.

We're just finished our 16th week.

Week Seventeen: Fat accumulates

You are 17 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 15 weeks) The umbilical cord is growing thicker and stronger. Fetus weight is just over 5 ounces (150g). Baby is about 5 inches (14cm) long crown to rump. and would be about 9 inches (23cm) head to toe, if it could stretch out. The retina has become sensitive to light. The first stools (meconium) are now beginning to accumulate. They recycle the amniotic fluid by swallowing up to a litre a day. Meconium (composed of products of cell loss, digestive secretion and swallowed amniotic fluid), is accumulating in the bowel. Fat stores begin to develop under your baby's skin this week. The fat will provide energy and help keep your baby warm after birth. Baby's eyes are looking forward now, but they are still firmly closed. The skeleton is tranforming from cartilage to bone. The bones remain flexible to make the journey through the birth canal easier. You can feel your uterus just below your bellybutton. If you put your fingers sideways and measure, it is about two finger-widths (1 inch) below your bellybutton. Your uterus is the size of a cantaloupe. The crown to rump length of your growing baby is 5 to 5.6 inches (12.5 to 14cm) by this week. Weight of the fetus is about 5.25 ounces (150g).

I Can't Stop!

Writing!

So I think I solved my issue... you can check out the Wilson Baby Blog if you want the watered down, politically correct, baby / pregnancy related version of what is happening in my womb.

But this space has been claimed as my own personal online diary that writes back, and I'm just going to write whatever I freaking well want to here, as I always have.

Okay.

How am I feeling.....


Physically

I can't say that my first trimester was difficult, but since I slept through most of it I could be wrong.  I was coming home from work and crawling into David's easy chair within moments.  Shortly thereafter I could be identified as the drooling, snoring member of the family, responding to very little outside stimulation.  I was so tired I skipped my nightly bath, and was even skipping supper for a while.  Except I discovered that skipping meals lead to sudden, violent onslaughts of excessive gagging and dry heaving.

My second trimester has been a lot easier so far.  I've got a lot more energy and am eating more normally.  Thankfully I have only gained a couple pounds (the doctor says I've actually lost weight, but my scales say I've gained about three).  I am still tired but not suffering from near narcolepsy.  I had really shocking RLP in the first few weeks of pregnancy, even before we got our positive beta test... the doctor was shocked and said he's never heard of it occurring that early.  Well, it's back and I find myself doubling over, holding my tummy if I feel the need to laugh, or cough, or sneeze.  I move very slowly when I get up from a chair or roll over in bed.  I like the feeling because I know things are growing!!

Oh, and at about 11 weeks I got fat.  Not a cute little bump like the beautiful, skinny women get, but an overall increase in my already slightly rounded belly.  I have a fairly flat tummy with great muscles, but am one of those lucky women who got that little bit of baby fat the first time around and never, ever got rid of it.  So while my uterus was growing and rising, I wasn't really getting that poking out, rather the inch and a half of flabby belly being pushed up and out.  Sigh.  I'm getting my belly flap sliced off once I'm all done hosting children inside my belly... no doubt about it!

I digress.  Back to getting fat.  My jeans were uncomfortable.  Cutting into me, and making me feel like I'd gained 20 lbs even though the scale said I was the same.  I was bloating badly as well, so at night I looked 5 months pregnant and felt 8.  So I started wearing a lovely device called a hair elastic around my snap, with my zipper at half mast.  That's okay for my stretchy jeans, as long as I have a shirt long enough to cover the gaping zipper.  But my less stretchy jeans still didn't feel that great.  I was getting grouchy and annoyed by mid-afternoon.

I got maternity pants.  Oh my god is there anything more comfortable than a three inch wide elastic band, gently caressing my swollen stomach?  I love them!!!

I honestly think I am starting to actually show a bit, now.  Of course you can't tell with my clothes on, and shirt down, but if I am wearing just panties or a pair of yoga pants, I can see a cute little swelling and not just a general increase in roundness.


Emotionally

I'm starting to warm up to being a pregnant woman.  I was in disbelief and worry the first few weeks, and then too tired and sick to really feel anything the next few weeks.  Then I got fat and that sucked, and then Christmas came and I was too busy to think about the baby or being a mommy... not real, serious, deep thought, anyhow

But now I'm starting to really sink into the 'glowy' part of being pregnant.  I feel physically and emotionally full... sated might be a better word.  The only thing I can compare it to is the warm, dreamy, liquid blanket that covers you after making love, you know, when the room is dark and heavy and your lover is close?  I have a deep feeling of connection to David, and to the baby, and even to my two grown sons, knowing I am carrying their sibling.  I have a deep feeling of connection to myself.  A connection to the new life that's squirming and growing and safe deep inside the most secret part of me.

And I'm excited.  Excited to make my amazing friend and husband a father.  Excited that we didn't give up... Excited.  Happy.  Joy-Full

And not going to stop writing my real, raw, politically un-correct but honest feelings.